Sunday, January 22, 2012

How to be furious and in love at the same time

Disclaimer: Before reading this, read Mehreen Kasana's post, followed by this video (because that's the order I followed and it made me puke the words below).

I was just an angry guy before. Now I'm furious at Maya Khan (correction added later - sorry for any confusion) and (figuratively) in love with Mehreen Kasana.

I read Mehreen's article about Maya Khan and suddenly felt this urge to write about a surge of feelings that rushed into my head, by way of my heart. It was love, not in the typical - May Khan will hunt you down for it - kind of love, but the over-inflated infatuation that comes from being overwhelmed by something so crystal clear, you couldn't have known it existed before you finally discovered it. That happened for me today, right as I sat cuddling my amazing wife (not in a park unfortunately), but that's an 'ass-piration' for another day.

Before I go on and on and on about my love for Mehreen Kasana and her innate ability (presumptuous, I know but hey, I'm in lurve) to write something so effective, so spot-on, so precise, I'm left with one thought - she must have written it while sitting in a park, gawking at Maya Khan as she too sat in a park with a monkey (not a funny way of calling a man or woman she was with, but a real monkey like chimps, apes, baboons).

Maya Khan, with the flip of a switch in a single bound, you have achieved the fame of George 'Dubya' Bush, who was best known for his creative work in the Middle East. Yes, I have matched you with the same man who believed so much in the power of abstinence that after launching the awareness campaign for no sex before marriage, you asked the folks over at the 'internet' to delete any evidence that he was ever with another woman before he married Laura Bush.

So many people I know are asking about you, talking about you and almost 'crushing' on you for your bravery in the Park that fine morning at an absurd time when I barely find reason to be awake. I believe that defaming you at this point would be pointless because clearly you're better at it than I am. And what's to say that my unqualified professional skills can ever be at par with your dramatic sense of ruining the pleasant morning those 4 couples were having before you wobbled along. 

I read on my twitter timeline that someone recognized you as a hot VJ from back in your hey day. Is that true? If it is, can you do a Veena Malik like photo-shoot so I can print out life-size posters and plaster them on my walls? Yes, it may create conflict with my wife, but she's cool so I'm sure living out of a box outside my apartment, while I try to regain her love and still retain your hotness on my walls will be worth it. Unfortunately, since I have seen what you now look like, it's going to be a tough one. 

If I've been even slightly amusing so far, then I apologize. When a young man falls in lurve, it's hard to articulate with a sense of clarity and so my jumbled brain is just trying to spit things out as easily and clearly as possible, without losing the context of this post. 

So everyone knows how hot you are
Maya Khan, I want to meet you in a park, with Mehreen Kasana (whom I lurve), and rip you a new one. I will do so with your best interest at heart because, after all, you have gone to prove what kind of kinky thoughts you have early in the morning so that your "chaapa" show is able to achieve viewership for things that 'Pakistan' is best known not to allow or permit or encourage. I think that the whole world is wrong and we have got the formula down to the tee. Everyday in Pakistan is opposite day and you have done well to prove me right. 

Confused? Let me clarify. When the holiday season comes around (pretty much all year round) with Christmas, Eid, Hannukah and the likes, it's a time for celebration. However, with the celebration comes discounts in shopping. Eid does not celebrate that kind of holiday. When the holiday season comes around in Pakistan, everything doubles, triples in price. What's the sense in that? Well, for someone with a good sense of business acumen, that means you sell less to fewer people at a higher price. Basic economics really, but I'm not here to share my academic meandering. It's to focus in on the point that you have managed to take a simple concept of a park - loved by most around the world as a place to frolic, meet, play, eat, share, laugh, cry, garden, kill, rob, abuse, rape and now Love (last one's on you and in that order). 

Parks are places where kids swing and parents watch. Parks are places where dogs chase frisbees and grown college kids smoke pot or drink beer (but any kind of alcohol will do). Parks are places where we can meet and rip you a new one, but only if Mehreen is there because I really want to see her do it while I provide viewers a live feed to your cheeks going red from pain, sadness, remorse and eventually happiness for having been ripped a new one. 

Parks are places where nature flourishes, even in the shape of something natural like love. Parks are places where we find a lost puppy or diamond ring. Parks are places where you find people doing things you feel obligated to expose on live public television.

Parks are places where I expect to walk with my lovely wife one day - but not today, because today you have made my image of parks a very dark and dreary place. Almost like the weather in London most of the year, but that's not important either because you're too smart to understand the metaphor. 

Parks are places where my kids will eventually end up losing their virginity to a bong, while their significant other holds them tight for dear life because Maya Khan may be lurking around in the corners waiting to "chaapa" maro on them - geographical limitations not need be considered. This applies to any park in any city/town/village in the world. Yes, your omnipresence is felt well and I shudder to think that my kids will encounter you before Mehreen and I do because I really want to change the course of your destiny, even if I have to steal the famous Delorean time machine from Doc and Marty to arrive 15 minutes before you do.

Sorry if my thoughts become scattered, my wife keeps giving me domestic chores to do and that can throw a fella off his game. 

Some may feel that I have been somewhat inappropriate in my post - the context being loosely relevant, but I will let you be the 'moral' judge, because after all you're famous and on tv so you can't be wrong about the dates in the parks. 

I think I've had a change of heart....I think I'm now torn between you and Mehreen because, while she makes a compelling and well articulated argument about how inhuman and uncivil you are, I cannot feel but a sense of admiration for your bravery. Without adorning your beautiful face with what some may call a 'religious beard' - most commonly found in madrassas, terrorist camps and local overzealous mosques - you have shown us what a hypocrite can really look like if they wear a ton of make up, designer sunglasses, a fat suit and (it's not real is it cause apparently you were hot and presumably still should be - I mean, people don't change), while being followed by a group of BFF's because they love your sense of civic responsibility to hunt down and expose society for what it has become - a breeding ground for love and eventually marriage and children and a long, happy life together - in the shape of a park.

I close my banter with some endless words from someone who narrated Howard Stern's biography in film "The fans want to listen because they wanted to hear what he was going to say next. The critics wanted to listen in because they wanted to hear what he was going to say next." You are my Howard Stern and don't you change that! Ever!

So, Maya Khan, can I please please please meet you in a park? We won't call it a date.

Your (least) biggest admirer,

The author of ¿Kiya Bola | What Say?

P.S. The worst thing about all this...I had never even heard of you until today and I already can't wait to rip you a new one. Peace!

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